"You're beautiful." Ummmm...yeah, no.

The other day one of the people I TA with and I were talking after class and she tells me that the young ladies on campus have started some sort of movement in posting stickers that say "you're beautiful" on bathroom walls. We talked about this for a minute, the conversation went something like:

Me: If you're getting a self-confidence boost based on what a post-it note on a bathroom stall says, then you've got problems much too big for that note.

Her: Hahahaha! Yeah, but some of those girls might actually need a boost.

Me: Well, what if they're not beautiful? I mean, not *every*one is attractive and I'm pretty sure that a lot of people do some pretty shitty things. Why tell them they're awesome if it's not true or they don't deserve it?

Her: Umm...well...umm...

I know I sound like a complete fucking asshole here...but I think I might be on to something. Why do we feel it necessary to remind people of their own inner beauty if the actions they have done suggest they have anything but? You shouldn't tell a girl she's a beautiful person if she's woken up in cum-stained sheets more often than a thirteen year old boy who's just discovered the dick-numbing bliss of hardcore porn. That's not a "beautiful person." That's a whore. If her personality was as golden as it's being made out to be then she shouldn't jump in bed with the first walking hard-on that tells her she's "special." Oh? You feel bad after that? There's a reason you do. It's called "shame."

I know a couple of women like that. They don't need to be told they're "beautiful." They've sold a part of themselves and they're going to have to work for it to get it back.

I'm going to have to do a little backtracking here. I'm not saying this as a chauvinist. I'm commenting on a trend that seems to permeate our culture of valuing people's self-esteem as the highest good...even to the point of protecting people who do bad things. Yes, I think there is inherent self worth but I also believe that the actions that people do either affirm that self worth or deny it. Those who deny it should not be lied to. You wouldn't reward a child who just stole candy in the same way as you wouldn't make someone feel better if they've just got done blowing half the Kappa Sig guys. They deserve that feeling.

Until next time,

T

10 Rules for TAs, or: How NOT to Act Around Undergrads

I've noticed that I'm becoming more of the eternal asshole that I was apparently born to be. This seems to come out more in my daily interactions with everyone whom I lovingly refer to as "the help*." However, I maintain the fact that one of the many few things I know how to do well is to tell people how NOT to act. This is mostly because I approach the vast majority of situations with either complete ignorance or as a robot whose "I don't give a fuck-dar" wasn't properly installed.

This is especially true of my interactions with undergrads. But your humble narrator must beg your indulgence, fair reader, for he assures you that his interactions with the plebeians of Academia have been everywhere on the spectrum from entertaining to embarrassingly shocking. I, therefore, consider this post to be a public service to all of you fellow grad students who are struggling with the utter impossibility of interaction with people who are, at most, seven years younger than you.

1.) The "three F's" should not be done with undergrads under MOST circumstances:

• Fighting...stay Socratic
• Feeding...their stomachs are black holes.
• Fucking...a good rule of thumb: if they're wearing a shirt that says "Class of '0something," no...just...no.

2.) Have your office hours wherever and whenever is the most comfortable for you. In other words, students NEVER come to them, so you might as well be at a place where you can have beer...trust me, after grading some particularly fucktarded essays you will NEED alcohol.

3.) Yes, you are technically working *for* your professor...but let's be honest, in your proverbial fiefdom, you are GOD.

4.) As a rule, what works with the other TAs, will only have marginal success at best with you.

5.) Ockham's Razor applied to Students: If a student asks a question that's in your super-specific sub area(s), a one sentence (max) response from you will be the only thing they will understand before your "superbrain" causes their supposed defunct one to implode.

6.) The only correct response to give a student who has just made a pass at you is "thank you."

7.) If you TA in an introductory lecture class, don't be a hard-ass grader. They all have to take the course for Christ's sake.

8.) Never talk about yourself in the following ways (unless, of course, you use VERY awkward humor like I do):

• Your sexual preferences.
• Your religion.
• Your politics.
• Your personal hatred of frats...even if it's all-consuming like mine.

9.) Never ask a student the following:

• Their sexual preferences, unless, of course, Rule 1 doesn't apply...and it CAN.
• Why they think Dave Matthews and Dane Cook are awesome...long story short, they won't know, but their friends like them!
• A question that has to be followed up by a long clarification.

10.) When it all boils down to it, you're doing this for the students. If you're not, then do something else.

That's all for now.

Until next time,

T


*This is actually quite serious.

A Rewrite of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'"

One of my friends suggested I post this. I think that writing out the lyrics in what I shall heretofore refer to as "Longspeak" really get at the darker (as "dark" as Journey can get) "motifs" of the song.
Lyrics by yours truly.
For comparison's sake, here are the real ones: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/journey/dont+stop+believin_20075670.html)


Merely a person of the female gender from a collection of houses and businesses ranging to what may be classified as a village to a small city.
Residing on a planet that necessarily leads to to the existential isolation of its inhabitants.
The person of the female gender that is in question boarded a locomotive, that was scheduled to run in the wee hours of the morning, to an indeterminate location.

Simply a young gentleman who, unlike the person of the female gender, was brought up in a larger collection of houses and business that is properly named "Detroit" (specifically in the southern region of said larger collection of houses and businesses).
This young man also boarded a locomotive, that was scheduled to run in the wee hours of the morning, to an indeterminate location.


‎(CHORUS)There are people, who are unfamiliar with each other, that are anticipating a certain event for which they are waiting along the sides of streets.
The vestiges of the aforementioned people are, like them, seeking an indeterminate thing when the sun goes down.
These people simply exist to find passionate meaning around lights that are propped up on poles.
While they shirk away from the pursuit of others in the darkness.


I, myself, must undergo great travail to attain sustenance.
All the people of this planet want a very exciting experience.
And they will wager whatever it takes for the possibility of having this experience
if they have tried before and failed.
However, some people will be successful in their endeavor
others will not.
Still others will wail cacophonous sounds of their own torture.
In this perpetually occurring film,
Which, redundantly enough, never reaches the conclusion.

(CHORUS)


It is preferable for you not to lose faith
While maintaining the imprint of your experiences
People who gather around lights propped up on poles.
It is preferable for you not to lose faith
While maintaining the imprint of your experiences
People who gather around lights propped up on poles.
It is preferable for you not to lose faith
While maintaining the imprint of your experiences
People who gather around lights propped up on poles.


Until next time,


T