Women: Nature's Clitoris

Ah the clitoris! One of the most sought after yet least understood things in history. The Ancient Greeks are our best sources for information on people who have found it, and it is also from them that we derive most of our information on the clitoris itself. For example, certain sources have an alternative view of the chaining of Prometheus who supposedly gave fire to men. According to these sources, Prometheus was the first to find Hera's clitoris and Zeus, becoming enraged at his own clitoral failure, bound Prometheus to a rock for all eternity. Apparently Zeus was clever enough to defeat his father Kronos and destroy most of the Titans, but failed at the ultimate task of getting his wife wetter than a drowned rat. Finding the clitoris was also the forgotten thirteenth of Herakles' infamous twelve labors that was undertaken before he could be granted immortality.

However there lurks and even greater mystery than the clitoris. Many men have lost their lives and their very souls in the pursuit of understanding women which is why women are, indeed, the deadliest of prey. It is for this reason, that I have written a type of field-primer on the subject of women. But a question still remains: why should a mere mortal like me profess to have *any* knowledge of women when betters have tried and failed?

I DON'T...far from it.

Indeed, one should be suspicious of anyone who professes any knowledge of that most strange of species. So we, as men, are ultimately relegated to the status of only knowing that we know nothing about women. This does not mean that we should quit trying, like the French or my ex-girlfriend at felatio. It means that we must alter our strategy if we are to learn anything about women. Therefore, I propose that we, as men, posit what we think women DON'T want in an effort to garner some shred, however small, of the truth.

Therefore, I shall begin with a list that I hope will be added to by other people. It should be noted that this is an exploratory listing, which is why the conditionals will be included

Women don't want:

• to be told they are making a mistake. Unless, of course, they know they are making the mistake and are only doing it to make you do it for them. 
• to be told what to do. Unless, of course, they don't know how to do it...see above.
• sex. Unless, of course it gets them one of the following:
• A baby
• Clothes/money/status
• Attention
• Love
• to give blowjobs. Unless, of course, it leads to the above.
• regular soft drinks. Unless, of course, Coca-Cola does a nation-wide recall of Diet Coke and they have literally no other option.
• Matthew Mcconaughey as much as they think they do.
• solutions. Talking about and dealing with problems is what fills up approximately 72% of a woman's waking day...it gives them a sense of purpose.
• buttsex. Unless, of course, you've guilted them into it. Buttsex, after all, does not produce babies.
• to be the last of their friends to get married. Unless, of course, they're lesbians.

It should also be noted that the conditionals attached to each of these points are virtually impossible to determine. A separate post of dissertation-length is required for each of them.

That's all for now.

T