Friday, April 1, 2011

Of Birthers, Tea Partiers, and other Generic Fuck-tards.

Turn on any cable news channel. Watch it for an hour. Done? Thought so. Chances are, you heard at LEAST one of the following:

"His name is Barrack HUSSEIN!!!!! Obama. He's one of them goddamn Islams!"

"Is he a Muslim? I dunno. Does he have a birth certificate? I dunno, I'm just asking questions!"

"Barrack HUSSEIN!!!!!!! Obama has plunged this nation into pants-shitting, dear-Lord-God-Almighty-I-hope-I-don't-have-to-sell-my-kidney-to-buy-porn debt!"

Okay. Maybe they didn't *actually* say those things outright, but let's be honest, you know what I'm talking about. What will Barry O have to do to prove to people that he was born in America and is not a Muslim (not that that's a problem)? He's going to have to build a Star Gate-like contraption and go back in time to the exact moment of his birth (in America) and his baptism, and, while leaving the portal open, have these two events broadcasted on EVERY news channel in the country in order to convince the ignorant, white-trash, racists that they're wrong! But even then, Glenn Beck would heroically swoop down and save the day, convincing them that what they've witnessed is a conspiracy propagated by secular-humanist, liberal, progressive, American-hating, Islamic Communo-Fascists and that he alone, as their political savior, knows the "true path!"

Hold on one second...lemme check something.

This is NOT shopped!
BAM! That took all of ten seconds thanks to Google! Argument over. Me--1 Glenn Beck--infinite zero.

Let me be clear: I'm by no means a progressive. Here's my Political Compass score in case this is unbelievable.

I don't have a dog in the dumb Birther or Islamic fight. I honestly don't care either way. I'm just sick and damn tired of Tea Partiers and pseudo-libertarians ignorant and racist views lumped in with mine. I support small government. I support self-sufficiency. I support civic action. But I don't support Bible-thumping, poorly educated, right wingers who think Armageddon is coming because we elected a person who *has* been well cultured, actually *has* a degree, and (most importantly) has a different skin color!

The next post will be (slightly) more academic.

Until next time,

T

Thursday, February 24, 2011

"You're beautiful." Ummmm...yeah, no.

The other day one of the people I TA with and I were talking after class and she tells me that the young ladies on campus have started some sort of movement in posting stickers that say "you're beautiful" on bathroom walls. We talked about this for a minute, the conversation went something like:

Me: If you're getting a self-confidence boost based on what a post-it note on a bathroom stall says, then you've got problems much too big for that note.

Her: Hahahaha! Yeah, but some of those girls might actually need a boost.

Me: Well, what if they're not beautiful? I mean, not *every*one is attractive and I'm pretty sure that a lot of people do some pretty shitty things. Why tell them they're awesome if it's not true or they don't deserve it?

Her: Umm...well...umm...

I know I sound like a complete fucking asshole here...but I think I might be on to something. Why do we feel it necessary to remind people of their own inner beauty if the actions they have done suggest they have anything but? You shouldn't tell a girl she's a beautiful person if she's woken up in cum-stained sheets more often than a thirteen year old boy who's just discovered the dick-numbing bliss of hardcore porn. That's not a "beautiful person." That's a whore. If her personality was as golden as it's being made out to be then she shouldn't jump in bed with the first walking hard-on that tells her she's "special." Oh? You feel bad after that? There's a reason you do. It's called "shame."

I know a couple of women like that. They don't need to be told they're "beautiful." They've sold a part of themselves and they're going to have to work for it to get it back.

I'm going to have to do a little backtracking here. I'm not saying this as a chauvinist. I'm commenting on a trend that seems to permeate our culture of valuing people's self-esteem as the highest good...even to the point of protecting people who do bad things. Yes, I think there is inherent self worth but I also believe that the actions that people do either affirm that self worth or deny it. Those who deny it should not be lied to. You wouldn't reward a child who just stole candy in the same way as you wouldn't make someone feel better if they've just got done blowing half the Kappa Sig guys. They deserve that feeling.

Until next time,

T

Monday, February 21, 2011

10 Rules for TAs, or: How NOT to Act Around Undergrads

I've noticed that I'm becoming more of the eternal asshole that I was apparently born to be. This seems to come out more in my daily interactions with everyone whom I lovingly refer to as "the help*." However, I maintain the fact that one of the many few things I know how to do well is to tell people how NOT to act. This is mostly because I approach the vast majority of situations with either complete ignorance or as a robot whose "I don't give a fuck-dar" wasn't properly installed.

This is especially true of my interactions with undergrads. But your humble narrator must beg your indulgence, fair reader, for he assures you that his interactions with the plebeians of Academia have been everywhere on the spectrum from entertaining to embarrassingly shocking. I, therefore, consider this post to be a public service to all of you fellow grad students who are struggling with the utter impossibility of interaction with people who are, at most, seven years younger than you.

1.) The "three F's" should not be done with undergrads under MOST circumstances:

  • Fighting...stay Socratic
  • Feeding...their stomachs are black holes.
  • Fucking...a good rule of thumb: if they're wearing a shirt that says "Class of '0something," no...just...no.
2.) Have your office hours wherever and whenever is the most comfortable for you. In other words, students NEVER come to them, so you might as well be at a place where you can have beer...trust me, after grading some particularly fucktarded essays you will NEED alcohol.

3.) Yes, you are technically working *for* your professor...but let's be honest, in your proverbial fiefdom, you are GOD.

4.) As a rule, what works with the other TAs, will only have marginal success at best with you.

5.) Ockham's Razor applied to Students: If a student asks a question that's in your super-specific sub area(s), a one sentence (max) response from you will be the only thing they will understand before your "superbrain" causes their supposed defunct one to implode.

6.) The only correct response to give a student who has just made a pass at you is "thank you."

7.) If you TA in an introductory lecture class, don't be a hard-ass grader. They all have to take the course for Christ's sake.

8.) Never talk about yourself in the following ways (unless, of course, you use VERY awkward humor like I do):
  • Your sexual preferences.
  • Your religion.
  • Your politics.
  • Your personal hatred of frats...even if it's all-consuming like mine.
9.) Never ask a student the following:
  • Their sexual preferences, unless, of course, Rule 1 doesn't apply...and it CAN.
  • Why they think Dave Matthews and Dane Cook are awesome...long story short, they won't know, but their friends like them!
  • A question that has to be followed up by a long clarification.
10.) When it all boils down to it, you're doing this for the students. If you're not, then do something else.


That's all for now.

Until next time,

T


*This is actually quite serious.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

A Rewrite of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'"

One of my friends suggested I post this. I think that writing out the lyrics in what I shall heretofore refer to as "Longspeak" really get at the darker (as "dark" as Journey can get) "motifs" of the song.
Lyrics by yours truly.
For comparison's sake, here are the real ones: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/journey/dont+stop+believin_20075670.html)


Merely a person of the female gender from a collection of houses and businesses ranging to what may be classified as a village to a small city.
Residing on a planet that necessarily leads to to the existential isolation of its inhabitants.
The person of the female gender that is in question boarded a locomotive, that was scheduled to run in the wee hours of the morning, to an indeterminate location.

Simply a young gentleman who, unlike the person of the female gender, was brought up in a larger collection of houses and business that is properly named "Detroit" (specifically in the southern region of said larger collection of houses and businesses).
This young man also boarded a locomotive, that was scheduled to run in the wee hours of the morning, to an indeterminate location.



‎(CHORUS)There are people, who are unfamiliar with each other, that are anticipating a certain event for which they are waiting along the sides of streets.
The vestiges of the aforementioned people are, like them, seeking an indeterminate thing when the sun goes down.
These people simply exist to find passionate meaning around lights that are propped up on poles.
While they shirk away from the pursuit of others in the darkness.



I, myself, must undergo great travail to attain sustenance.
All the people of this planet want a very exciting experience.
And they will wager whatever it takes for the possibility of having this experience
if they have tried before and failed.
However, some people will be successful in their endeavor
others will not.
Still others will wail cacophonous sounds of their own torture.
In this perpetually occurring film,
Which, redundantly enough, never reaches the conclusion.


(CHORUS)



It is preferable for you not to lose faith
While maintaining the imprint of your experiences
People who gather around lights propped up on poles.
It is preferable for you not to lose faith
While maintaining the imprint of your experiences
People who gather around lights propped up on poles.
It is preferable for you not to lose faith
While maintaining the imprint of your experiences
People who gather around lights propped up on poles.



Until next time,


T

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Nicolas Cage: The Musical!

Okay...here's the idea.

Nicolas Cage is in a troubled sleep due to his recent problems with taxes and being a generally shitty human being. In his dream, he is assaulted and ridiculed by all of the characters from his many terrible movies. In order to wake from this dream he must seek the wisdom of the "Three Good Ones." These people are the characters from the only good movies he's been in: Leaving Las Vegas, Adaptation, and Lord of War.

Each of the "Three Good Ones" gives him clue to find out what will wake him up. The secret given is directly related to why that movie was actually good:

Leaving Las Vegas: (The woman picked you up)...Elizabeth Shue's awesome performance made the movie.
Adaptation: (Geniuses wrote the way)...Charlie Kaufman wrote this, amazing.
Lord of War: (The weaker die first)...Jared Leto, a far worse actor, is in this movie. This makes Cage look better by comparison.

Nicolas Cage then realizes the secret to him waking up...coming to terms with the fact that he's a bad actor. This prompts an internal battle between the "enlightened" Cage and the Cage that's still in denial.

Basically, Nicolas Cage is going to be the only character in the entire musical...

Go dogs,

T

Monday, January 17, 2011

Movie Review/Analysis the First: Greenberg...aka, The Most Hipster Movie Ever.

Ben Stiller and I have a rather tenuous relationship. I thought he was phenomenal in The Royal Tenenbaums but I also briefly considered genocide when I saw Starsky and Hutch. When I saw the previews for Greenberg, I knew I had to see it firstly because Ben Stiller was in it without Owen Wilson (and I don't think they've made a good movie together since Zoolander), and secondly because it looked more serious and I like it when comedians try to act in serious roles.

I don't believe that one can properly form an opinion on a movie until one has watched it twice. Greenberg is not the exception.

Stiller plays the title character, Roger Greenberg, who has previously suffered a nervous background and is now housesitting in L.A. for his wealthy brother who is vacationing with his family in Vietnam for six weeks. There are essentially two story lines or ways in which the movie branches off. The first, and most important is the *very* awkward relationship that Greenberg forms with his brother's personal assistant and housekeeper, Florence Marr (Greta Gerwig). The second branch, which ultimately ties into the first, has Greenberg trying to reconnect with some of his old friends, Ivan (Rhys Infans) being the main example.

This movie hurts...in both bad and good ways. It is very painful to see the interactions between Greenberg and Florence in how awkward they both are, but this seems to be what director Noah Baumbach is trying to accomplish. Both Greenberg and Florence are, despite their 20ish year age difference, seemingly at a loss on how to form genuine or at least non-superficial connections with people because of their various insecurities. Florence, for example, is in her mid to late 20s and is highly self-doubting because she is essentially a "fish out of water" in that she is a recent college graduate yet through lack of knowledge or drive has really failed to mature into a state where she knows what she wants to do. I would describe Florence, in one word, as "lost." This isn't a bad characterization, I'm sympathetic to Florence yet I find her annoying because of her own passivity at everything, including Greenberg.

Greenberg's chief problem seems to be his own lack of confidence. This is probably due to whatever caused his nervous breakdown to happen, but we're not given much as to what actually happened. He seems to cope with this insecurity by transferring it onto other objects, in that he writes many letters of complaint based on the most trivial of details. For example, he writes Delta Airlines complaining that the reclining button on his seat didn't work. However, most of Greenberg's insecurities are transferred to people. In his attempts to reconnect with his friends, Greenberg is constantly either playfully mocking or outright hostile towards them. This is because he seems to feel completely dissatisfied or let-down throughout the whole movie, like someone didn't make good on their promise. On my first viewing, I was extremely annoyed at this apparent sense of entitlement, but on the second it lessened considerably. Greenberg isn't has entitled as I initially thought he was, his attitude comes from a genuine inability to relate to other people. I feel really sorry for him, even supporting him, but I still can't shake the feeling that he is ultimately a loser.

But this is a movie chiefly about Greenberg and Florence, and that's where the movie really seems to rear its awkward head. Neither of the characters can seem to "work" with the other. Greenberg is far too active in his uncertainty and criticism and Florence is far too passive in her "just go with it" mentality. The relationship is *very* unhealthy, yet you still want it to work and for some reason, it kind of does. Both Florence and Greenberg seem to see in each other what they struggle with themselves. They're not "perfect" for each other by any means, at least yet...


Review
Cinematography (Music included): 4/5
There's nothing that stands out about the movie's cinematography although there's certainly nothing bringing it down either. The focus isn't on scenes or visuals, it's on the characters, and the way they're shot was done well.

Characters: 3/5
This category gets slightly lower marks because of Florence. I don't dislike her, yet I feel that she didn't get a fair enough shake in the dialogue department of the script. Some of her lines sound a little too teenage angsty or maybe cliched. Where Gerwig pulls of the character rather flawlessly is the nonverbal portion; you can actually feel what Florence is feeling through her looks and the way she caries herself on screen. Also, I felt like some of the other side characters like Beth needed to be fleshed-out moreso. Most of the supporting cast, with the exception of Ivan, felt like they were only being used to point out the awkwardness of the film...which might have been the whole point.

Story: 4/5
I've never really seen awkwardness personified. The story, despite being slow-moving in parts, is great. I'm not particularly satisfied with the party scene...but I can understand the director's choice in including it.

Pass/Fail?: Pass, with reservations.
Would I recommend Greenberg to people? Yes, but it's clearly not for everyone. This was the first movie  directed by Noah Baumbach that I have seen and I can easily imagine that many people wouldn't like his style. It's a movie about relationships with other people, and about how some people can't make them.


Until next time,

T

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Women: Nature's Clitoris

Ah the clitoris! One of the most sought after yet least understood things in history. The Ancient Greeks are our best sources for information on people who have found it, and it is also from them that we derive most of our information on the clitoris itself. For example, certain sources have an alternative view of the chaining of Prometheus who supposedly gave fire to men. According to these sources, Prometheus was the first to find Hera's clitoris and Zeus, becoming enraged at his own clitoral failure, bound Prometheus to a rock for all eternity. Apparently Zeus was clever enough to defeat his father Kronos and destroy most of the Titans, but failed at the ultimate task of getting his wife wetter than a drowned rat. Finding the clitoris was also the forgotten thirteenth of Herakles' infamous twelve labors that was undertaken before he could be granted immortality.

However there lurks and even greater mystery than the clitoris. Many men have lost their lives and their very souls in the pursuit of understanding women which is why women are, indeed, the deadliest of prey. It is for this reason, that I have written a type of field-primer on the subject of women. But a question still remains: why should a mere mortal like me profess to have *any* knowledge of women when betters have tried and failed?

I DON'T...far from it.

Indeed, one should be suspicious of anyone who professes any knowledge of that most strange of species. So we, as men, are ultimately relegated to the status of only knowing that we know nothing about women. This does not mean that we should quit trying, like the French or my ex-girlfriend at felatio. It means that we must alter our strategy if we are to learn anything about women. Therefore, I propose that we, as men, posit what we think women DON'T want in an effort to garner some shred, however small, of the truth.

Therefore, I shall begin with a list that I hope will be added to by other people. It should be noted that this is an exploratory listing, which is why the conditionals will be included

Women don't want:
  • to be told they are making a mistake. Unless, of course, they know they are making the mistake and are only doing it to make you do it for them. 
  • to be told what to do. Unless, of course, they don't know how to do it...see above.
  • sex. Unless, of course it gets them one of the following:
    • A baby
    • Clothes/money/status
    • Attention
    • Love
  • to give blowjobs. Unless, of course, it leads to the above.
  • regular soft drinks. Unless, of course, Coca-Cola does a nation-wide recall of Diet Coke and they have literally no other option.
  • Matthew Mcconaughey as much as they think they do.
  • solutions. Talking about and dealing with problems is what fills up approximately 72% of a woman's waking day...it gives them a sense of purpose.
  • buttsex. Unless, of course, you've guilted them into it. Buttsex, after all, does not produce babies.
  • to be the last of their friends to get married. Unless, of course, they're lesbians.
It should also be noted that the conditionals attached to each of these points are virtually impossible to determine. A separate post of dissertation-length is required for each of them.

That's all for now.

T